The once congenital relationship between corporate entities and their conservative masters has dissipated recently, leaving an unsettling hostility between the two. The falling out, however, is not a typical dissonance, one that perhaps would occur between two old mates going to different colleges, but is the bitter division of two close friends on the opposite side of the abortion debate.
How could this be?
Corporate personhood is the excuse. Under common interpretation a corporation is decidedly a legal person, and may lay claim to certain rights. And it is certainly built into the nature of corporations to exercise caution in regard to survival,and so they have seized hold of the oft cited Roe v Wade case.
"We know this is feminism's baby," said Wal-Mart, giggling at its pun, "but shouldn't you guys be used to being co-opted?"
The explanation for the sudden and overwhelming turn to pro-choicery is...a little strange.
"Subsidiaries!" exclaimed the GAP, "We want to protect our right to abort our little subsidiary embryos. I mean, what happens when conservative places like Curves or Chick-Fil-A start whining every time we drop a half-baked plan? Seriously, Old Navy was a drunken mistake that never would have happened if it weren't for those...competitors and their signs."
Regardless of the reason, this decision has created a rift between the corporate image and it's conservative supporters. Conservatives that normally back the free action of corporations are prepared to defend both a natural and a legal person's right to life.
"In America, a violent death from abortion takes place every twenty seconds," argued Joe Scheidler, director of the Pro-Life Action League, "but that number increases infinitely when we count the needless deaths that parent companies inflict on their potential subsidiaries."
Scheidler's words incited heavier than usual protests outside abortion clinics. Liberal lawyers attempted to explain to them the difference between natural and legal persons, but a spokesman for the protesters responded simply with, "What kind of world would we live in if Kellog's had aborted Eggo or Kashi?"
[seriously, though, please support reproductive rights]